Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Fighting The Dark Fight.



Emptiness.

Loneliness.

Feeling hideous.
 
Like you’re worthless. That there’s no point in existing anymore. The demons scream inside your head, telling you you’re not good enough. That you’ll never be good enough. That no one loves you. That no one wants to be around you. Why would anyone? You’re not skinny enough. Pretty enough. Talented enough.

You want someone to care. But don’t want anyone around. Don’t even want to be looked at. Your family loves everyone more than you. All your loved ones are all more talented and impressive and receive oodles of attention. You have a tortured past, but don’t know how to face it. Don’t know how to get past it.  You know in the back part of your mind that there are a few who love you, that you are their world to them, but that is only a muted thought compared to the screaming voices in your head.

Life doesn’t make sense. Everything that has led you up to a certain point in your life is all a jumbled mess that you thought had meaning. You thought there was purpose. But there wasn’t. There isn’t.  You believed in fate, that all the hardship was just part of your story… that soon it would end and everything would be all right. But you keep waiting.

And waiting.

And it gets worse.

No one cares. No. One. Cares. You’re alone. Alone to cry. Alone to stare into space. Alone to let the voices scream louder in your head.

“But you’re beautiful,” everyone says. “You’re the most talented person I know,” everyone says. But the words bounce off of you. They don’t reach you. You’re numb now. Nothing reaches you. You’re a machine, going through the motions, barely able to get through the day. You wake up, wanting it to already be nighttime, so you can go back to sleep—because sleep is the only respite. Sometimes.

You stop eating, because what’s the point? You don’t even feel hunger. And when you do, at least you’re feeling SOMETHING. Soon you’re 90 pounds and have no idea, because you don’t care to step on the scale. Caring would be doing something. Caring would mean having a goal. You’re past goals, because goals don’t work. You’ve already tried having goals and tried succeeding at something and failed… and it broke you.

Meanwhile family starts to become alerted. They start giving you WORDS. Words that you nod your head to—agree to—but don’t really agree to. Because no one cared for so long, why would they care now? You don’t believe them. They still don’t show love. Their lives are more important.

You are meant to be alone. Meant to suffer in silence… maybe that’s you’re purpose?



You think you have friends. They make you smile every once in a while. But success sweeps them up. And they slip away. Again another reminder how unimportant you are. The world takes them away from you. The comfort they once brought is gone. But it was never real comfort, you realize. They were never real friends. They just wanted stuff from you. You were never important to them. Because you’re not important to anybody.

You contemplate not wanting to exist anymore. But you know that it stops there. You don’t want to hurt yourself. But you wonder... you Google ways to end it. Every day hurts too much.  Soon you don’t even know how to cry. Because the numbness is so strong, emotion is impossible. It’s easier to not feel. So you embrace it. Let it wrap you up and carry you through each day. It’s the only way you know how to exist.




Then…

A very long and difficult then…

You have someone in your life who *makes* you go see someone. To get help. Medication. Makes you talk to a professional. It's clear you have depression. PTSD. Anxiety. It makes sense, you think, after seeing your child die and seeing your baby boy go through cancer. Why didn't anyone see it sooner? Why didn't *you* see it sooner? Could you really have a mental illness? You suppose so... looking down at your 90-pound body, that's barely alive.

But you're still numb. You don't care to change. Don't know how to change. Don't even know if you want to change. Because changing involves feeling. And feeling hurts too much.

Time continues.

Seeds are planted.

More words are exchanged. But this time, words don't seem so empty anymore. Maybe they have meaning. 

You realize that your whole life has been a lie. In a good way. An idea plants itself deep inside of you that starts to take root. The lie is that you’ve been basing your whole self worth off of accomplishments. Of how you look. Of how GOOD or talented you are at THINGS.

That. Isn’t. Self. Worth.

"Things" are only petals on a flower. Your talents, your accomplishments are only petals that spread from your self worth, but they will wilt over time. Your self worth is your core. Your belief of who you are. Who you KNOW you are. What you do and how good you do something doesn’t define you. How many friends or likes or beautiful pictures or places you travel or marathons you run or awards you win or adventures you have don’t define you.


There’s a spark… deep within you that whispers to you who you are. You KNOW who you are. That  
there’s something unique about you. That you ARE different. That you ARE special. That you DO have purpose. And that you exist for a reason.

Your core—or self worth—grows stronger. These petals—these accomplishments—don’t matter anymore. You realize that anything you accomplish will never bring you true happiness. They wilt over time.

And the things you craved… the things that you thought you needed/wanted, like attention from family, or friends or worldly success don’t matter. Not if it hurts you. A petal can be good for your self-esteem… but it’s important to know the difference between self WORTH and self ESTEEM.

The light returns. Bit by bit.

Clarity comes.

There’s still hurt. You still feel ugly sometimes and untalented and sometimes like a failure, but it doesn’t break you. You still don’t have the friends you so desperately wanted attention from—they are still gone—but it doesn’t make you retreat to a numb place.

You eat again, because you WANT to live—even though it’s still hard to feel emotion. The demons keep trying to scream in your ear, but thoughts of your loved ones’ faces come to mind and fight back, softening the sound. Because you’ve allowed yourself to open up and feel again… to love again… to not only take root in your self worth, but let it blossom, grow, and thrive.

You know who you are.

You know what you have to do. You know the kind of life you want to live. You KNOW what is right and what is wrong. And you CHOOSE to do right.

You feel inspired again. You believe in yourself again. And you hope again. You allow yourself to work and set goals and smile… and you know that if you “fail,” it’s not really failing at all. Because petals will always fall off, but your core will stay strong.

You know you have a battle ahead of you. That each day you might be overwhelmed with demons, but that you’ll also have days where the demons will tire, and you’ll have quiet in your head.

Remember those days. Hold onto the good, so you can have ammunition on the bad days. Hold onto the people that make you smile. That care. Onto the family that shows that they love you each day. Onto the people or thoughts that remind you how special you are.

Let go of the people or thoughts that lead you down dark paths—that make you want to be numb or forget.

We all face so much. And this life can be so difficult. But it’s truly remarkable how one can build themselves up from rock bottom. By just knowing and believing in who we are.




Whoever reads this—even if it’s just me—I wanted to share these thoughts with a small part of the universe. Because miracles exist. And YOU… yes YOU, are important. Are special. Have worth. Have meaning. And have so much to share that only you can share. Please believe that.

~Morg

44 comments:

  1. Morgan, I'm sorry you've struggled for so long.
    Self-worth comes from the core of knowing we are perfect, beautiful creatures in the eyes of God. He made us, which means we have value.

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  2. I hate depression, and its minions. I'm glad you're here and posting again and keeping on, hard as it is sometimes (a lot of times).

    :)

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  3. Welcome back, Morgan. Depression can ruin your life when it steals your goals and desires. I'm sorry you had to suffer through it, but I'm glad you've been able to fight through it. Yes, everyone does have something to share with the world, but sometimes, like the characters in our stories, we have to suffer and fight the world for a while before we find that something.

    Good luck and keep us posted!

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  4. very brave to share

    depression is something we fear to share...which makes it worse...

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  5. That is a very good realization indeed, never thought of it like a flower. And yeah, survival can be a pain in the arse, literally, sometimes, but have to keep on keepin on. Get thrown in some hole and buried in crap, start digging, or use the fertilizer to let that flow grow. Welcome back too and my, you are bendy at your zoo lol

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  6. *hugs* I have family members who suffer from bipolar, so I get the depression thing. Someone once said they should just cheer up. And while there's a small element of truth in that (and by that I mean taking some control or one's life one has the power to do so--like being proactive), I told this person that it was like telling someone with diabetes to think themselves better. It's so much more complicated than that.

    I'm happy you're feeling better. I think you're so wonderful, and brave. It takes a lot to share this kind of thing. The lies depression tells people who suffer from it must be some of the worst things.

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  7. I'm so sorry you went through that. I'm glad the light is returning. Please keep trying, because you are worth knowing, because I want to know you better. Depression is a dark demon that sucks you empty. Keep filling yourself with light.

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  8. So glad you've come out the other side. It's a hard struggle, especially - as you say - when you can't care enough to fight. Sharing this will help so many people, because you've described it so eloquently.

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  9. I'm glad you pulled yourself out of the pit of despair. Realizing that much of the negative thoughts and feelings are coming from your own mind is another way of ridding yourself of them. The brain in a computer, it can be reprogrammed. Rewrite the program, rewrite it with love. Hugs to you and you continue your journey into the light.

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  10. I'm glad you pulled yourself out of the pit of despair. Realizing that much of the negative thoughts and feelings are coming from your own mind is another way of ridding yourself of them. The brain in a computer, it can be reprogrammed. Rewrite the program, rewrite it with love. Hugs to you and you continue your journey into the light.

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  11. Fight the demons, the self-doubt, the depression. Find the little things that make you happy. You deserve it. Be selfish. Wishing you the best always.

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  12. Oh Morgan! I don't even know what to say. I wish you were around so I could give you a huge bear hug! Because you are so beautiful, inside and out. This post is so important. And my heart aches for you, even now that you're doing better. Because every day will still be a struggle. But know that YOU are so important. And that people love you. You can always call me or text me if you want to chat :) I'm glad to hear things are looking up.

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  13. I still believe you're magic. :)

    I'm glad you're "back," though I do keep track on twitter. (I'm just really bad at twitter.)

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  14. Depression pulls you away from others and from life, making it worse. Wonderful to hear that you have fought you way back out of that hole.

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  15. I'm really sorry to hear about that dark night of your soul, but I'm glad you've gotten out of the pit of depression. I hope things continue improving for you.

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  17. You have it in you to be amazing. You and i both know this. Find your sparks and set off those fireworks. Love ya

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  18. You. Are. Amazing. I'm so happy to hear you're pulling through this. <3

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  19. Morgan, I'm so happy to see this post and that you are taking care of yourself again. I've been worried about you and praying for you. Stay true to your core being. And "Be a light unto yourself"- Buddha

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  20. This post makes me very, very happy. I've seen your instagram posts and wondered if something was up (I recognized the wording, the way you phrase things, all of that was SO familiar from the same thoughts that have run through my head). I'm glad you're letting the light back in and wish you the best! <3

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  21. This is absolutely beautiful and raw and terrifying and wonderful. ����

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  22. That we amazing. I have been in the phase where I feel betrayed by life because there was supposed to be meaning, and then, suddenly there wasn't. Thank you for writing this.

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  23. This made me stare at the lonely blank walls inside me for quite a while...

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  24. Morgan, you're absolutely amazing. You've walked through hell and pulled yourself out. Kudos. Never doubt you have strength and purpose. Love and hugs, my friend.

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  25. I braced myself to read this because I KNEW you would make me cry! OMGosh, the petal/core analogy - Morgan, YES. Those damned petals. So pretty. So frail and fleeting. And you have the most gorgeous core imaginable. Thank you for writing this. I'm so, so, so happy you're sharing your story and strength with the world.

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  26. I have missed you. I hate that the Darkness moved inside your heart and stayed. A flower is not its petals. A flower's essence is found in the roots. The roots that no one sees but spreads out, seeking life-giving nutrients. May the life-sustaining nutrients of realizing that you are unique, placed here to blossom for those you have yet to meet nourish your soul and banish your darkness should it decide to return. Take care, Roland

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  27. Morgan, I can relate to so much of this. I'm sorry you've been going through so much, and you're right when you say we all struggle with something. I'll echo what Alex said...because now I know that my worth, and value come from God, not from other people, or things, or accomplishments. It's taken me a long time to realize this, and there are still days when I focus on negative stuff when I shouldn't, but hey, we're human.

    Please email me at jmusil@me.com if you ever just want to talk, or vent, or cry, or whatever. Sending you hugs and lots and lots and lots of love.

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  28. I cherish the days we worked together in Primary. We miss you here in our little neighborhood.

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  29. I care.... I always cared. I knew something was up when you never answered my emails. I miss you terribly. I think of you all the time....

    I've been THERE so many times. I just pulled myself out, too.

    You are so young. So special. So beautiful inside and out. DON'T EVER let your magic die. The world needs bright lights like yours.... If only for the four lives you brought into the world.

    Never forget.... I'm always here.

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  30. Never give up hope. I care too and sending love your way. (Thanks for noticing my new website. I appreciate it.)

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  31. Hi Morgan - yes you are worth so much to so many ... as you see here. Thanks so much for sharing your hurt, your depression, your misery ... but also for letting us know you are back to a happier place - that's essential ... You have so much to share with us all and we love hearing your stories ... take care - we are here ... all of us. With lots of hugs - Hilary

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  32. Beautiful thoughts, Morgan. Thanks for sharing this part of yourself. You are a wonderful person with a huge heart. I adore you!

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  33. Thank you for sharing your heart with all of us, Morgan. You have no idea how inspirational you are. I'm raising my hand when I say that no matter 'what' we struggle with, the truth is that we all do struggle. And sometimes it's so very easy to forget that others are out there sharing in that struggle. Your courage has lifted me up at a time when I very much needed it. {{hugs}} to you, sweet friend...and thank you again.

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  34. You are beautiful for having written this. We can all relate to your powerful story. Self love takes daily work for many or most of us. I appreciate also your distinction between self esteem, and self worth or things. Our world puts far too much emphasis on the latter and so little on the former. Much love and gratitude, beautiful lady. Thanks for dropping by my blog too.

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  35. There's so much I would say about this heartbreaking, beautiful post, but all I have breath for is Thank You. I love you, Morgan.

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  36. Ups, downs, thrills, chills, what would life be without it? We're both sorry to hear of the downs you went through, but you can see through all of these comments just how many people care and are right there beside you no matter how long you're gone. We writers, we're all in this together. You know you can reach out to either of us any time, even just to say 'hey'.

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  37. Morg, I was trying to access my blog via Google (new sign in stuff, blah blah blah) and stumbled over here, but I'm glad I did.

    I haven't talked/heard from you for a long time - and had no idea you were hurting so much. Everyone else has been so eloquent, so I want only to say I wish you the very best and keep fighting for yourself - and your family.

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  38. Hi Morgan,

    Powerful, poignant and you bestow a shared gift, a shared hope. Depression, self-worth, the inner critic, all battling within ourselves. You realise that life is about choices and you choose the way that sees you live a positive life and not have the nagging self-doubt sabotage your right to a peaceful, contented life.

    Your articulation, your verbalisation, not only is a marvellous resource for you, but a resource you share to give others hope.

    In my own world where my life is the dilemma of hiding under the covers or going outside, I do my best to challenge the environment that makes me feel trapped.

    My philosophy is this. I choose to live with rather than suffer from my mental illness. My illness, not a curse, an ironic blessing that's humbled and inspired me.

    Bless you and lovely to see you blogging, Morgan.

    Hugs and hope, your friend,

    Gary

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  39. This honest post resonated with me. It reminds me of various points of my life and what I was thinking and feeling. I'm sorry you went through these experiences. You are not alone in any of this.

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  40. Morgan, this was such a beautiful post. I have been wanting to read it for days, but Internet issues kept me from getting it until now. I've been there. You describe everything perfectly. And I'm trying to find my way, just like you are doing. I'm discovering a deeper richness to my relationship with God that is proving to be exactly what I've always needed, and it's helping me to discover who I really am as well. You are amazing. <3

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  41. I enjoyed this thought provoking and beautiful post Morgan.

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  42. Thank you for sharing your worries and thoughts with us. I think most of us can relate to the dark and sad points you mentioned- even if ours have been different in some ways. I am sorry that you have been going through so many inner struggles, but I am glad you are finding things to be happy about. I am so happy to hear from you- because you make me smile and your kindness shines out of you. Sending you big hugs.
    ~Jess

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  43. You are loved. You are of infinite worth. I'm thankful you are realizing this truth. I'm also thankful for getting to know you better. We're instantly bonded redheaded "sisters." Though I'm a friend from afar, and we don't really know each other well, I am a friend and I'm here for you any time. Thank you for fighting, please keep fighting. Turn to the Savior and our loving Heavenly Father who know you the best. They are always there, even when we don't notice. I feel like Alaska is a healing home for you. Embrace it and let your true beauty within SHINE!!! ~Katie

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  44. You're beauty isn't just in how you look. It's in the matching beauty of your spirit. Love you, Morgs, and no matter how busy life gets, you know I'm always just an inbox away.

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