It’s been a weird couple of months.
I’m in that time of life where I keep waiting for things to go back to “normal,” but I’m not sure that the “normal” that’s imprinted in my brain still exists. Life keeps evolving and getting more complicated and changing, and by the time I start to adapt to one way of life, another thing springs itself into the picture and I’m only trying to adapt again.
I can’t figure if this is just what life is or if it’s just the period of life I’m in. People keep telling me that I’m in my prime and I need to capture every moment and I need to embrace being young and live up all the opportunities that come my way.
But I just feel tired. I’m just trying to survive.
I feel so passionate about being a good person. About being a good friend. Being the type of person I want to be to whomever crosses my path. And living up to the potential I know I have. I don’t want to make mistakes—I wish I could just have everything figured out and divide my time perfectly and for everyone to feel loved and create beautiful art and map everything out the way I want.
But it’s hard knowing if I’m being a good friend or not. If I’m putting the right amount of effort into the right things. It’s hard when you can’t see the future and you have no idea if your efforts will come to fruition.
I’m not sure what crazy gene differentiates us writers from the rest of the world… why we choose to torture ourselves for the sake of creating something that will hopefully one day touch someone. I’m not sure why we are sometimes plagued with jealousy— when we look at other lives and are jealous of freedom and having adventures and living a life that looks so appealing…
But then I stop and know I’m being ridiculous. I wouldn’t change anything. Because everything I’ve lived up to this moment has molded who I am. And I can only hope that right now—that this crazy time I’m living right now—is molding a future me, a better stronger version of myself.
And it’s in these moments when I stop and reflect that I realize that no matter our past—no matter what lives we lived until this moment—that we’re all just trying to survive. We’re all facing our own tailored individualized demons.
Ever feel the winds of change? Like when you know something big is coming on the horizon? For me, I think it’s just finally coming to know myself. I’m realizing the things that don’t have any place in my life. Like when you have to strip yourself of all the noise and really get down to WHY you do the things you do. To WHAT drives you and what is going to shape you as a person.
For me, it’s been a good time to focus on the simple things. So when people tell me that I should be out having adventures and “living the dream,” all I really want to do is remember what it was like to be a kid, when the most exciting thing in the world was to get a plastic spider ring.
Because really, for some moments, that’s enough.
Red. Head. Out. ;)