It’s been a while since I’ve had a “Morgan bears her soul to blogosphere” post. Have you missed it? LOL.
I like to be honest in my posts, without crossing any lines. I do think it’s important to keep a solid balance when you’re trying to brand yourself as an author. But it’s a hard balance to maintain. I want to stay professional, but I want to be real, so other writers can feel and learn from my experience, but again, I don’t want to be too open.
I read a post last night I really needed to read. It was like everything she said was exactly what I needed to hear. I love posts that do that. Posts that speak right to your soul and fuel the fire that’s been so low for a while. And this only happens when the author is opening a bit of himself/herself, when they’re willing to push down the barrier and show that they’re not perfect, that they do have weaknesses.
So my thoughts:
I tend to over-think things. Analyze every decision I make. Whether I’m supposed to be a writer. Whether this is the path I’m meant to go down. Are we really destined to do things or do we really just make our own choices and pave our own way?
It’s hard to put forth soooo much work and put yourself out there over and over and over again--just waiting to be pushed down. Whether it’s from rejection, or from watching others succeed, or just feeling like you’re not living up to your own expectations.
In some ways, we’re totally alone. It’s just the page and us. And it’s hard to work when there’s no guarantee anything will come from our sweat. It quite literally is one word repeated over and over again, until you trash all those words only to do it again.
But it’s amazing.
And it’d be MORE torturous to NOT write. It’s a twisted balance. Writing and immersing ourselves into words and our stories is so fulfilling, and so sweet, it’s indescribable. But at the same time, we’re subjecting ourselves to heartache.
That’s why some say, “You have to do it because you love it.” And yes, for some, just the release of writing is enough for them.
But it isn’t enough for me.
I want to master this craft. Learn how to create the perfect balance of character, pacing, world-building, tight writing, original metaphors, clever dialogue, story arcs, finding the balance of physical tells vs. showing vs. good tells, creating the emotion on the page that will grip a reader into not wanting to ever put your book down, to create something timeless…
It’s the challenge that drives me. The challenge of mastering something that seems impossible.
But what I’m wondering is:
Is a writer ever content? I keep reaching for that place when I’ll feel satisfied with where I’m at, or will that drive to be better always haunt me? I watch other writers, and it seems they’re also in a constant state of wanting to up their game. And I’m not talking about the “I’ll be happy when” mindset, I’m talking about that inner need to reach that next level.
But sometimes it gets to be too much.
Is the underlying angst of wanting better than dropping it all and walking away? Which is more torturous: The constant dissatisfaction of desire and not accomplishing, or giving up and not knowing?
I don’t know. They both hurt. And I think most of you will say giving up and not knowing, but it’s still dang hard to push and push and push and not see results. (The results we want to see, because yes, there is the angle that we are always improving—I get that)
Are “ordinary” people just content to live their lives? I wonder what it’d feel like, to go through the motions of every day and be… content. Or is that just a façade? Are we all secretly pushing, and wanting more? Are people thoroughly fulfilled in their lives without needing to aspire to anything? Is that even possible?
Regardless, I know it’s a choice. And it’s one that I choose to live through. I’d rather be pushing myself forward than staying stagnant. Even though at times it might seem appealing to just be “normal.”
What about you? What drives you? Is being a writer worth the constant chaos that lives underneath your skin that no one else sees? I’m still trying to work out my thoughts…
Red. Head. Out. :D