Wednesday, February 22, 2012

First Page Critique

Jamie Ayers  is hosting a First Page Critique contest where you post your first page on your blog and then hop around to the other entrants and read and comment on their first page. Five people will receive a critique from author Heather Burch who has a debut book called Halflings. You can read Heather's interview and more information about the contest on Jamie's blog here.  Today is the last to email Jamie and post your first page for critiquing.

*** New Note: Apparently I was too late for this contest, LOL! It ended today. I thought today was the last day to enter. Well, we'll let this post be a plug for Heather and I'll have to be more on top of things next time! :D 

Here is my first page of WESTRIDGE, a YA light fantasy:

Warmth spread over me, deadening my muscles and mind. I held onto the feeling, knowing it wouldn’t last long. The air around me was a gigantic cushion, tingling and caressing my skin as though it were lifting me from the couch. I felt languid, free, good.
“Nice, isn’t it?” Zach murmured next to me.
I snuggled closer, careful not to move too much so it didn’t ruin the effect of the drug. I closed my eyes and let the sensation carry me away… away from school, stress, and Lady Edna’s dirty basement.
I didn’t know why I’d fought against Zach for so long. This was wonderful, this feeling of utter freedom, this numb, warm place. Maybe Zach and I would take that next step tonight. After all, he had been patient. I opened my mouth to say so, but stopped, waiting; words would spoil this moment.
The coziness continued to stretch beneath my skin, wrap around my toes. I felt equal to everyone else on the planet. Nothing mattered. My lack of parents, money—and as cliché as it was—love. Even Jason, being the over protective older brother, couldn’t bring me down.
We’re all the family we need, you and I.
The thought of Jason’s words dampened the high. I shoved him from my mind, trying to focus on the moment, although it was hard knowing he was upstairs probably doing his homework being the perfect person that he was. He would kill me if he knew what I was doing down here with his best friend.
Double crap.
There went another bit of the high. I sighed and rolled away from Zach, placing my hands on top of my thighs. My legs barely registered the contact, just the slight impression of heat. I felt disconnected from my body, like my hands were a million miles away from my head. I rubbed the fabric of my jeans, slowly, because it was hard to move.
Just as I began to give into the feeling again, a crash sounded from upstairs. I jerked upright. My head spun. 
Thanks Jamie for hosting this! Also, I wanted to thank Hope Roberson for giving me the "Happy Valentine's Kiss" Award from the Is It Getting Hot In Here Valentine's Day Blog Hop! *is honored* I hope all you fantastic writers are being productive and making good headway on all your projects!
Red. Head. Out. :D 


  1. Lovely opening! It brings the reader gently into the story, and shows rather than tells. Where's the rest? :p

  2. Oh, you've hooked me! The voice is strong and clear and so "teenagery". Great job!

  3. I liked the opening. The conflicting feelings of just entering rebelliousness

  4. Nice.

    You did a FAB job of letting us in on a TON of info, without it feeling that way at all.

  5. Awesome as usual, Morgan :) Can't wait for the rest!

  6. Wowza! Awesome writing, Morg! Your descriptions have always been fabulous! I can't wait to read the rest of it. (And Zach, great name's my 4 y/o's name!!) <3

  7. Woooooo, I like it! So much revealed about these characters in a short space. And I'm already feeling a tension between them. Brother/sister tension, boy/girl tension, but he's the best friend of the brother, so there's more tension! And seriously, my legs are feeling all tingly and weightless just reading this - your description was really good.
    (One teeny, tiny change: "affect" to "effect"!)

    1. Awesome, Rach! Just changed it. You rock! :D

    2. This is supposed to be a separate comment, but for whatever reason regular comment boxes haven't been working for me for a while. Anyway--nice first page! I entered the contest too. You inspired me to start a writing blog. Thanks for being inspiring!

  8. Wow, I'm blown away by your first page . . . you sooooooo don't need my little contest, lol:):) I mean, you set all the conflict up from the beginning, your words & imagery flow, love the M.C.'s voice (Crap!) As in crap, I'm so sorry I already posted the winners & contest is over, but stayed tuned b/c I plan on doing contests every month! ~Good luck with this, someone will snatch it up for sure!

    1. LOL! Thanks, Jamie. My mistake! I'll try and be more on top of things next time! How funny! :D

  9. Awesome excerpt!!! This critique thing sounds awesome ;)

  10. Fun blog hop!
    Your excerpt was entertaining and informative. The MC's voice is fantastic. : )

  11. I like the character's voice! It's very distinctive.

  12. Ooo, so fun! This is great Morgan. Love the voice. :)

  13. wow, that is a cool way to introduce a story, the middle of a trip. you've got the back story and voice all set with out telling us what the name of your main character is. you do a great job of painting the scene, I love the way you describe how the drug high has impaired the senses of your character. completely Surreal.

  14. I love the first paragraph, and I love the adjective "languid" which you used.
    Thanks for sharing this! Great piece! Are you going to post the rest too? Hope you are :)

    By the way, I tagged you on my blog!
    It's a fun way to highlight fellow bloggers, be highlighted, and hopefully meet new interesting bloggers.
    Go see my latest post for details!
    If you have any questions, feel free to write!
    Have a great weekend!

  15. Hi Morgan,

    I really enjoyed this. I like the way you start off with her getting high, I don't see that done much and it highlights the edginess right away. I don't really have any suggestions for change.

    Good luck!

  16. This is a great beginning and I definitely want to know what happens next.

  17. you're toooo funny:)

    Thanks for the kind words and for being a rockStar!

  18. Liked the beginning Morgan, would like to read more!



Search Away

Follow by Email

Site design by: The Blog Decorator